I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
