People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
