I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
