Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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