And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
