We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
