I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
