Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize