how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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