Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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