I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
