umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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