That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
