just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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