I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
