My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
