The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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