I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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