Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
