My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
