I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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