Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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