So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
