Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Can you repeat that, but with context?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
