I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
