my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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