i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
