so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize