I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
