I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
