Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
