I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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