i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
