I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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