there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
