Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
it's great music for shaving your balls
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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