I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
