great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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