haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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