So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize