We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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