Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
