Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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