There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
sex in a hospital.. check
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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