Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
