Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
