the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
