I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
