3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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