Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
