You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
