I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
