The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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