I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I think I sprained my soul last night
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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