he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
