twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
