when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize