Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
