What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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