I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
