Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize