Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
